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Teens: what do you do when their friends are troubling?
From: "shinypenny"
Date: 2 Apr 2005 08:52:40 -0800
DD10 has been best friends with this girl since kindergarten. She hasalways been a sweet, wonderful kid, until the last year or so. Herparents are going through a pretty sordid divorce, and I know that hasa lot to do with her recent change in behavior, which I see as a formof crying out for attention. Also, this child is maturing faster thanthe other girls. She has discovered boys in a big way, whereas DD10still has little interest. Lately DD10 has been filling my ears with anecdotes about how herfriend is becoming quite .... precocious ... with boys. Some of theanecdotes are alarming to me. My question therefore is two-fold: 1) My ex and I are in disagreement on how best to handle thisfriendship. His opinion is that we should bar all further contact outside of theschool. He doesn't want this kid to be a bad influence on our DD. Heconsiders her a "bad seed" and has said as much to DD10. My opinion is that the kid is no bad seed, just going through atroubling time, and we should let DD decide how much contact she wants,and monitor that contact closely, also ensuring that DD10 is not inover her head with a friendship she can't handle. DD10 has not asked for a playdate with this friend in months, and hasshared with me that her friend's actions make her uncomfortable lately.She wants to help, she feels sad about her friend's change in behavior.It seems to me she is doing the distancing all on her own without anyprohibition from us. What are your thoughts and experiences on this? 2) Should I say anything to the child's mother about what I have heardfrom DD10, and if so, how do I broach the topic and what do I say? As aparent, would you want to know, if it was your 11-year-old DD, that thegrapevine says that she is letting 14 and 15 year old boys take turnsfeeling her up? The mother and I were somewhat close, although we have not had muchsocial contact at all in the past year. I would not call her a friend,but I know her well enough that she has shared some personal detailsabout her divorce. I take the stance that if she wanted my advice, shewould ask for it - I don't want to deliberately butt in and offend her.She has asked for my advice in the past, but not recently. I have noidea if she has any clue what is going on with her child these days. Thanks in advance, jen
From: toto
Date: Sat, 02 Apr 2005 16:31:29 -0600
On 2 Apr 2005 08:52:40 -0800, "shinypenny" wrote: >My question therefore is two-fold:>>1) My ex and I are in disagreement on how best to handle this>friendship.>>His opinion is that we should bar all further contact outside of the>school. He doesn't want this kid to be a bad influence on our DD. He>considers her a "bad seed" and has said as much to DD10.>>My opinion is that the kid is no bad seed, just going through a>troubling time, and we should let DD decide how much contact she wants,>and monitor that contact closely, also ensuring that DD10 is not in>over her head with a friendship she can't handle.>>DD10 has not asked for a playdate with this friend in months, and has>shared with me that her friend's actions make her uncomfortable lately.>She wants to help, she feels sad about her friend's change in behavior.>It seems to me she is doing the distancing all on her own without any>prohibition from us.>>What are your thoughts and experiences on this? It sounds to me like your dd is sensible and it would be a bad thingto anticipate trouble and try to forbid the friendship. Note that your dd might be the person her friend can come to whenthings begin to get uncomfortable for her and that might not be a badthing either. My dd tended to be a loyal and good friend to many kids I whosebehavior was troubling. We kept our home open to them and dd always managed to be the one who took the lead at stoppingtrouble rather than the one who followed them and got into trouble.I would keep an eye on the friendship and encourage her to share with you about anything that comes up that she needs to talk about. --Dorothy There is no sound, no cry in all the worldthat can be heard unless someone listens .. The Outer Limits
From: Patricia
Date: Wed, 6 Apr 2005 13:17:32 +0000 (UTC)
toto wrote:: On 2 Apr 2005 08:52:40 -0800, "shinypenny" : wrote: :>:>What are your thoughts and experiences on this? When my parents didn't like one of my friends, what they did wasif I ever wanted to hang out with her outside of school they wouldbring her over so they could have a careful watch over anythin thatgoes on. I was never allowed to play in my room with myfriends precisely to avoid this. With my 10 year old sister, we let her play with her friends in the room,but then there are usually 3-4 adults around and we take turns sneaking upso we can figure out if they are in any trouble. If everythingsounds/looks fine we don't disturb their games otherwise we interrupt,not to scold, but rather to ask if they are having fun etc. maybe askwhat they are playing. This seems to work really well. If your daughter told you these things, two things are happening:1. She is very innocent, you should encourage this conversationsand don't get upset at what she tells you so that when she is notso pure of heart she will feel like you can hear anything withoutbeing uphauled. 2. She knows right from wrong and is unlikely to engage in similarbehavior except by peer pressure, but even if she did, she would probablynot feel right. It sounds like you have a very mature 10 year old, make sureto always encourage her to come to you with everything. My momdid this and I always told her everything and any questions I everhad, even the really embarrassing ones I knew I could talk to her.Sometimes I could tell she didn't like what she was hearing butthose times I knew that I was telling her things that shouldn't havehappened etc. It was great that I didn't get punished after allbecause 1. Thinking about how to tell her was a big punishment and2. The next time I was itching to tell her something, and was afraid toI could always remember that last time I had told her somethingequally as bad and she didn't overreact. My best friend's mom on the other hand, when she didn't likethe same girl, she forbid my friend from having any contact withher unless we were all 4 of us going out (we were pretty innocentgirls and a bad situation would have been 3 against 1 rootingfor doing the right thing). The result was that during school myfriend would hang out with this girl regardless and even told herthat her parents didn't want her to hang out with her. We all survived. We are all professionals and are either married,in a serious relationship or working hard on our career. Even the"bad seed". She was a little screwed up during college, and so wecreated some distance during that time, but still talked occasionally.This summer we are all getting together for a few days. If you askher she will tell you that our friendship really helped her movealong in life and be where she is tday. Best,Patricia
From: "shinypenny"
Date: 6 Apr 2005 07:04:33 -0700
toto wrote:> It sounds to me like your dd is sensible and it would be a bad thing> to anticipate trouble and try to forbid the friendship.>> Note that your dd might be the person her friend can come to when> things begin to get uncomfortable for her and that might not be a bad> thing either. She is definetly playing that role with her friend. Their friendshipdidn't start out that way, but when her friend's parents initiated thedivorce, it quickly developed in that direction. Part of that wasbecause the child's mother approached me asking for advice on how tohandle the divorce in regards to the kids, since I'd already beenthrough it, and my DD naturally stepped up to the plate to help herfriend navigate the new waters, reassuring her that once her parentssorted things out, life would get better if she just hung in there forawhile. Then along the way, on playdates at our house, the child wouldconfide in me her feelings, worries, etc, and I would relay these backto her mother. That was kind of awkward because the child revealed allsorts of personal details I didn't need to know :-). But her mother wasappreciative that her DD had an adult she could trust to talk about thedivorce. > My dd tended to be a loyal and good friend to many kids I whose> behavior was troubling. We kept our home open to them and> dd always managed to be the one who took the lead at stopping> trouble rather than the one who followed them and got into trouble.> I would keep an eye on the friendship and encourage her to share> with you about anything that comes up that she needs to talk about. Well, I am possibly projecting my worries here, but my DD is very muchlike me. As my folks say, I always tended to bring home all the"strays" .... it took me a long time to realize that helping people isokay, as long as it doesn't cost you your own sanity. Perhaps that'swhy I am hesitant to broach this whole recent topic with the mother,because I am loathe myself to get overly involved in her problems, as Iam prone to do. I am tired of trying to save everyone. :-) So far, DD seems to be more well-balanced than I was as a kid, andmaintains more of a healthy distance than I was able to maintain, and Ido think that she was looking for confirmation from me that it isperfectly okay if she decides she doesn't want further contact withthis friend outside of school just now, and instead deepens thefriendships she has with other kids. I think I successfully reassuredher on that score. Her latest new-best-friend is a really cool kid,without all the excess baggage. So I may be worrying about nothing - because she *is* different thanme. Just want to keep close tabs on it. Sometimes a friends' problemsare just not yours to own, if you know what I mean? jen
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