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Positive affirmations for kids?
From: "Rachel"
Date: Wed, 26 Apr 2006 14:08:23 GMT
We are raising our 4yo DS with positive parenting principles. He isaffectionate, bright and I think well-balanced, but sometimes lacks beliefin himself and his abilities. He is reluctant to try new things even if theyare fun. Has anyone used 'positive affirmations' for a 4 year old, in particular toincrease self confidence and self esteem? Is this a suitable way forward ordoes it not address the source of the problem (if indeed there is one)? ThanksRachel --
From: "Sue"
Date: Wed, 26 Apr 2006 11:00:27 -0400
What do you mean exactly by positive parenting? I think all parents try toraise their kids with positive parenting so I am at a loss at what you aredoing or asking. Some kids are just shy about trying new things and there isnot much you can do to switch their innate personality. You can encouragethem and/or give them time to warm up, but if at 4 yrs old, they don't wantto do something, then it is hard to make them do something. What do you wantyour son to do?-- Sue (mom to three girls) "Rachel" wrote in messagenews:r9L3g.59920$wl.267@text.news.blueyonder.co.uk...> We are raising our 4yo DS with positive parenting principles. He is> affectionate, bright and I think well-balanced, but sometimes lacks belief> in himself and his abilities. He is reluctant to try new things even ifthey> are fun.>> Has anyone used 'positive affirmations' for a 4 year old, in particular to> increase self confidence and self esteem? Is this a suitable way forwardor> does it not address the source of the problem (if indeed there is one)?>> Thanks> Rachel>> -- >>>>
From: Ericka Kammerer
Date: Wed, 26 Apr 2006 11:08:52 -0400
Rachel wrote:> We are raising our 4yo DS with positive parenting principles. He is> affectionate, bright and I think well-balanced, but sometimes lacks belief> in himself and his abilities. He is reluctant to try new things even if they> are fun.> > Has anyone used 'positive affirmations' for a 4 year old, in particular to> increase self confidence and self esteem? Is this a suitable way forward or> does it not address the source of the problem (if indeed there is one)? By all means give it a try, but I'm not all thatoptimistic that it will work. I think that self-esteemultimately only comes from working and achieving success.If you've got a child whose temperament is to avoid newthings (I have one of those), it can be a very viciouscycle. They don't try, so they don't succeed, so theyhave even less confidence the next time around. Thenot trying becomes a habit, so it becomes even harderto screw up your courage to try the next new thing becauseyour habit of avoidance becomes ever more ingrained.Since this sort of thing is often associated withperfectionists, it's exacerbated in that they tend notto perceive their early efforts as successful enough(because they're not instant experts at everything)*and* they're even less likely to buy your assurancesthat they're doing well. It becomes a very trickysea to navigate. Personally, since I believe that you haveto accomplish things to develop self esteem, I tendedto be more action-oriented with this. I would nudgehim into doing activities with lots and lots and lotsof support. Keep the focus on the trying and praisefor trying (it won't really work, but it's betterthan feeding into the problem by praising only forsuccess or, worse yet, remonstrating for not doingwell enough at it). Choose activities very, verycarefully, and choose instructors even more carefully.One of the best choices we made was dance at a schoolwhere the teachers were really wonderful withshy students and genuinely enjoyed the kids. Itreally helped my shy kid transform into one whowas more comfortable taking some risks, because hehad a very supportive environment in which to trynew things. The positive affirmations certainly won'thurt, and it's important to be mindful of what yousay so that even in your everyday conversation you'renot saying things that he could interpret as implyingthat trying and failing at something is unacceptable.In the end, though, kids tend to discount what yousay if they can't back it up with what they cansee. So, if you tell him he's strong and capable(or even if you have him affirm that he is strongand capable), he's not going to really *feel*strong and capable until he's surmounted a fewobstacles. Best wishes,Ericka
From: dragonlady
Date: Wed, 26 Apr 2006 15:33:36 GMT
In article , Ericka Kammerer wrote: > The positive affirmations certainly won't> hurt, and it's important to be mindful of what you> say so that even in your everyday conversation you're> not saying things that he could interpret as implying> that trying and failing at something is unacceptable.> In the end, though, kids tend to discount what you> say if they can't back it up with what they can> see. So, if you tell him he's strong and capable> (or even if you have him affirm that he is strong> and capable), he's not going to really *feel*> strong and capable until he's surmounted a few> obstacles. It is important to send your kids positive messages, but most especially about them being lovable. I read this post shortly after a discussion with my daughter's boyfriend. He's 21, I think (maybe a year or two older) and not doing so well. He had just come from his mom's house, and she told him he's a loser and she's ashamed to admit he's her son. I'm gussing from other things I've heard that he's gotten messages like this all his life. His Dad told him that his second marriage was on the rocks, and it was all his (the son's) fault. I get really angry when I hear some of the messages people send their kids, especially as they move through the teen years but even when they are younger. I remember watching one mother of a three yo demanding to know WHY the little girl couldn't be more like her sister -- her SISTER knew how to behave and was easy to get along with. I'm not saying everything you say has to be positive: it's OK to tell your kids when you are angry with them, or when their behavior is unaccepable. Lord knows my kids had a rough time in their teens, and there were many occassions when it was necessary to tell them that I was disappointed in what they'd done -- but I always believed in their future, and that they'd be OK some day. WHY do some people seem to revel in telling their kids that they are unacceptable human beings? Mostly venting here, but it seemed the right place and time....-- Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care
From: "Stephanie"
Date: Wed, 26 Apr 2006 17:09:49 GMT
"dragonlady" wrote in message news:mehouck-9400B5.08333626042006@newsclstr02.news.prodigy.com...> In article ,> Ericka Kammerer wrote:>>> The positive affirmations certainly won't>> hurt, and it's important to be mindful of what you>> say so that even in your everyday conversation you're>> not saying things that he could interpret as implying>> that trying and failing at something is unacceptable.>> In the end, though, kids tend to discount what you>> say if they can't back it up with what they can>> see. So, if you tell him he's strong and capable>> (or even if you have him affirm that he is strong>> and capable), he's not going to really *feel*>> strong and capable until he's surmounted a few>> obstacles.>> It is important to send your kids positive messages, but most especially> about them being lovable.>> I read this post shortly after a discussion with my daughter's> boyfriend. He's 21, I think (maybe a year or two older) and not doing> so well. He had just come from his mom's house, and she told him he's a> loser and she's ashamed to admit he's her son.>> I'm gussing from other things I've heard that he's gotten messages like> this all his life.>> His Dad told him that his second marriage was on the rocks, and it was> all his (the son's) fault.>> I get really angry when I hear some of the messages people send their> kids, especially as they move through the teen years but even when they> are younger. I remember watching one mother of a three yo demanding to> know WHY the little girl couldn't be more like her sister -- her SISTER> knew how to behave and was easy to get along with.>> I'm not saying everything you say has to be positive: it's OK to tell> your kids when you are angry with them, or when their behavior is> unaccepable. Lord knows my kids had a rough time in their teens, and> there were many occassions when it was necessary to tell them that I was> disappointed in what they'd done -- but I always believed in their> future, and that they'd be OK some day.>> WHY do some people seem to revel in telling their kids that they are> unacceptable human beings?>> Mostly venting here, but it seemed the right place and time....> -- > Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care> The book I am always yammering about, "Discipline For Life, Getting It Right WIth Children" talks a lot about the three areas of self esteem (existence, acheivement and mistakes) and how important it is to have strong esteem around existence. She also talks a lot about anger without distruction and contructive criticism, though that is not what she calls it. I cannot remember what she calls it. It really is a good book, says Steph the broken record.
From: "Rachel"
Date: Thu, 27 Apr 2006 13:40:06 GMT
"Stephanie" wrote in messagenews:xPN3g.7882$cc.4968@trndny05...>> "dragonlady" wrote in message> news:mehouck-9400B5.08333626042006@newsclstr02.news.prodigy.com...> > In article ,> > Ericka Kammerer wrote:> >> >> The positive affirmations certainly won't> >> hurt, and it's important to be mindful of what you> >> say so that even in your everyday conversation you're> >> not saying things that he could interpret as implying> >> that trying and failing at something is unacceptable.> >> In the end, though, kids tend to discount what you> >> say if they can't back it up with what they can> >> see. So, if you tell him he's strong and capable> >> (or even if you have him affirm that he is strong> >> and capable), he's not going to really *feel*> >> strong and capable until he's surmounted a few> >> obstacles.> >> > It is important to send your kids positive messages, but most especially> > about them being lovable.> >> > I read this post shortly after a discussion with my daughter's> > boyfriend. He's 21, I think (maybe a year or two older) and not doing> > so well. He had just come from his mom's house, and she told him he's a> > loser and she's ashamed to admit he's her son.> >> > I'm gussing from other things I've heard that he's gotten messages like> > this all his life.> >> > His Dad told him that his second marriage was on the rocks, and it was> > all his (the son's) fault.> >> > I get really angry when I hear some of the messages people send their> > kids, especially as they move through the teen years but even when they> > are younger. I remember watching one mother of a three yo demanding to> > know WHY the little girl couldn't be more like her sister -- her SISTER> > knew how to behave and was easy to get along with.> >> > I'm not saying everything you say has to be positive: it's OK to tell> > your kids when you are angry with them, or when their behavior is> > unaccepable. Lord knows my kids had a rough time in their teens, and> > there were many occassions when it was necessary to tell them that I was> > disappointed in what they'd done -- but I always believed in their> > future, and that they'd be OK some day.> >> > WHY do some people seem to revel in telling their kids that they are> > unacceptable human beings?> >> > Mostly venting here, but it seemed the right place and time....> > -- > > Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care> >>> The book I am always yammering about, "Discipline For Life, Getting ItRight> WIth Children" talks a lot about the three areas of self esteem(existence,> acheivement and mistakes) and how important it is to have strong esteem> around existence. She also talks a lot about anger without distruction and> contructive criticism, though that is not what she calls it. I cannot> remember what she calls it.>> It really is a good book, says Steph the broken record.>> Thanks, Steph, I'll look up the book. Rachel
From: "Rachel"
Date: Thu, 27 Apr 2006 13:13:15 GMT
"Ericka Kammerer" wrote in messagenews:geudncMX0oPoEdLZRVn-rg@comcast.com...> Rachel wrote:> > We are raising our 4yo DS with positive parenting principles. He is> > affectionate, bright and I think well-balanced, but sometimes lacksbelief> > in himself and his abilities. He is reluctant to try new things even ifthey> > are fun.> >> > Has anyone used 'positive affirmations' for a 4 year old, in particularto> > increase self confidence and self esteem? Is this a suitable way forwardor> > does it not address the source of the problem (if indeed there is one)?>> By all means give it a try, but I'm not all that> optimistic that it will work. I think that self-esteem> ultimately only comes from working and achieving success.> If you've got a child whose temperament is to avoid new> things Yes this is DS. > (I have one of those), it can be a very vicious> cycle. They don't try, so they don't succeed, so they> have even less confidence the next time around. The> not trying becomes a habit, so it becomes even harder> to screw up your courage to try the next new thing because> your habit of avoidance becomes ever more ingrained. This could be DS too. > Since this sort of thing is often associated with> perfectionists, it's exacerbated in that they tend not> to perceive their early efforts as successful enough> (because they're not instant experts at everything)> *and* they're even less likely to buy your assurances> that they're doing well. It becomes a very tricky> sea to navigate.> Personally, since I believe that you have> to accomplish things to develop self esteem, I tended> to be more action-oriented with this. I would nudge> him into doing activities with lots and lots and lots> of support. Keep the focus on the trying and praise> for trying (it won't really work, but it's better> than feeding into the problem by praising only for> success or, worse yet, remonstrating for not doing> well enough at it). Choose activities very, very> carefully, and choose instructors even more carefully.> One of the best choices we made was dance at a school> where the teachers were really wonderful with> shy students and genuinely enjoyed the kids. It> really helped my shy kid transform into one who> was more comfortable taking some risks, because he> had a very supportive environment in which to try> new things. I try to encourage his efforts, e.g. if he comes to me wearingone sock and holding the other. I say 'great, you put a sockon by yourself'. I don't say 'why didn't you put on both socks'.I try to model enjoying the taking part whether or not you winthe game. Even so, he does very easily get disheartenend. > The positive affirmations certainly won't> hurt, and it's important to be mindful of what you> say so that even in your everyday conversation you're> not saying things that he could interpret as implying> that trying and failing at something is unacceptable.> In the end, though, kids tend to discount what you> say if they can't back it up with what they can> see. So, if you tell him he's strong and capable> (or even if you have him affirm that he is strong> and capable), he's not going to really *feel*> strong and capable until he's surmounted a few> obstacles. I see what you mean. Self-confidence has to come fromwithin and is cumulative.Thank you for your insight. Rachel >> Best wishes,> Ericka
From: Ericka Kammerer
Date: Thu, 27 Apr 2006 11:40:27 -0400
Rachel wrote:> "Ericka Kammerer" wrote in message> news:geudncMX0oPoEdLZRVn-rg@comcast.com... > I try to encourage his efforts, e.g. if he comes to me wearing> one sock and holding the other. I say 'great, you put a sock> on by yourself'. I don't say 'why didn't you put on both socks'.> I try to model enjoying the taking part whether or not you win> the game. Even so, he does very easily get disheartenend. If he's a perfectionist, they tend to be likethat. Unfortunately, it doesn't just go away as theybecome older :-/ The trick is to teach coping skillsso that they don't get to the point where theirperfectionism prevents them from having a fulfillinglife. It's a very tricky line to walk. Push toomuch and it will backfire. Assume it's just theirway and allow them to back out of everything andtheir world will shrink in on them. Timing is importanttoo. What is too pushy at 3yo may be notencouraging enough at 8yo. All you can do is bereally mindful, really careful about any negativetalk, and do your best to stay on the tightrope. Best wishes,Ericka
From: Chookie
Date: Thu, 27 Apr 2006 13:06:08 +1000
In article , "Rachel" wrote: > We are raising our 4yo DS with positive parenting principles. He is> affectionate, bright and I think well-balanced, but sometimes lacks belief> in himself and his abilities. He is reluctant to try new things even if they> are fun. It is not a crime to be slow to warm up to new things, and pushing the child will usually be counterproductive. One of my children was like this at 2,3 and 4. I chose to say things like, "When you're ready, you can play with the other kids," and left him to make his own decision on when to act. DS1 is now an extroverted 5 and at school, and I don't think shows much hesitancy in doing anything! Think very carefully as whether you are sending the message that being hesitant/unsure in new situations is Bad. Incidentally, how do you get a 4yo to tell you that he "lacks belief in himself and his abilities"? -- Chookie -- Sydney, Australia (Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply) "Parenthood is like the modern stone washing process for denim jeans. You may start out crisp, neat and tough, but you end up pale, limp and wrinkled."Kerry Cue
From: "Rachel"
Date: Thu, 27 Apr 2006 13:30:09 GMT
"Chookie" wrote in messagenews:ehrebeniuk-ED2889.13060827042006@news-vip.optusnet.com.au...> In article ,> "Rachel" wrote:>> > We are raising our 4yo DS with positive parenting principles. He is> > affectionate, bright and I think well-balanced, but sometimes lacksbelief> > in himself and his abilities. He is reluctant to try new things even ifthey> > are fun.>> It is not a crime to be slow to warm up to new things, and pushing thechild> will usually be counterproductive. One of my children was like this at2,3> and 4. I chose to say things like, "When you're ready, you can play withthe> other kids," and left him to make his own decision on when to act. DS1is> now an extroverted 5 and at school, and I don't think shows much hesitancyin> doing anything!>> Think very carefully as whether you are sending the message that being> hesitant/unsure in new situations is Bad. Good point. I don't think I send that message. I try to be supportive andlet him decide whether/when to do something. I never push him to dosomething he doesn't want to do. >> Incidentally, how do you get a 4yo to tell you that he "lacks belief in> himself and his abilities"? When he tries to do something and doesn't manage, then gets disheartened andsays tearfully "I can't do this" or "I'm no good at this", when he can do itand has done it successfully before. Rachel >> -- > Chookie -- Sydney, Australia> (Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)>> "Parenthood is like the modern stone washing process for denim jeans. Youmay> start out crisp, neat and tough, but you end up pale, limp and wrinkled."> Kerry Cue
From: Chookie
Date: Mon, 01 May 2006 15:01:51 +1000
In article , "Rachel" wrote: > > Incidentally, how do you get a 4yo to tell you that he "lacks belief in> > himself and his abilities"?> > When he tries to do something and doesn't manage, then gets disheartened and> says tearfully "I can't do this" or "I'm no good at this", when he can do it> and has done it successfully before. It would have to be very frequent before I took it as genuine lack of confidence. * If it is something he has done before, ask if he can remember what he did last time, and show/help him again.* Explain that things become easier to do with practice, and poit out examples in his own life where this is so.* Ask him to try doing X first by himself, then you will help him if he gets stuck.* Check that you aren't expecting too much, eg most 5yos cannot tie their own shoelaces. These are things that have helped DS1 to keep trying -- but again, I would never have said he truly doubts himself. He does tend to be a perfectionist/lazy, though! -- Chookie -- Sydney, Australia (Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply) "Parenthood is like the modern stone washing process for denim jeans. You may start out crisp, neat and tough, but you end up pale, limp and wrinkled."Kerry Cue
From: chrissypete2@aol.com
Date: 27 Apr 2006 07:34:10 -0700
to make his own decision on when to act. DS1 isnow an extroverted 5 and at school, and I don't think shows muchhesitancy indoing anything! Think very carefully as whether you are sending the message that beinghesitant/unsure in new situations is Bad. I know what you are saying. My daughter, who is now 6, used to be sopainfully shy and unsure of herself. She would cringe at the thought ofsay her dad hearing her sing a song versus me. I couldn't get her tolet go of me when we went to my mom's. Heck, she didn't even speak tomy mom or dad until she was like 4. I was so worried that she wouldhave a hard time at preschool and school, but you would never know itis the same kid. She is just more cautious in certain situations, butshe doesn't hesitate to sing straight out loud anymore, etc. I alsojust recently read an online article about how the positive parentingof the 80-90s has turned out a whole slew of children who believe allis good all the time who don't know how to handle disappointment orconstructive criticism who also have a real sense of entitlement. Sothey offered a bunch of alternatives in certain circumstances such as"You should not say 'Good try buddy.'" after they fail a test, butinstead "What can we do to do better on the next test." and things likethat. I'm not claiming to know the balance, but I know some kids likethat. I also never pushed my kids and always just offered encouragementto try something new, and they did and do when they were/are ready. Iwas a kid terrified of embarrassing myself and I just always tried toensure that my kids wouldn't feel the same way because I feel like Imissed out on a lot. I do know though that this was all me and nobodyelse was to blame.
From: cinnamonleaf@gmail.com
Date: 26 Apr 2006 20:30:19 -0700
Hi Rachel, I think it's good for you to always encourage him in doingsomething. Give him full support by giving praises and listening to hisproblems. However, if you see that he really doesn't like certainactivities, maybe he just doesn't like them! I think you shouldn'tpush him any longer. Try to introduce him to other activities which helike more. Good luck! Cheers,Cinnamon Leafhttp://cinnamonleaf.lipblogs.com
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