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Etiquette question
From: Rosalie B.
Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2006 00:34:27 GMT
I want to thank all those people who expressed sympathy on the loss ofmy mom. Some of them are buried in the sleep thread, and becausepeople often munge their addresses, I don't think I can thank themindividually. But my question is - if a person writes an email to me, is itappropriate to respond in an email? It would seem logical to me thatit would be especially as I might not know their snail mail address. If I person writes me a sympathy card, then I'm assuming that I needto write a thank you note back by snail mail also, even if I knowtheir email address? Just asking for confirmation here. And the last question - my dd#3 is writing the thank you notes for thedonations to the charity of my mom's choice (the American IrisSociety), and she does not know the people personally. (She's beengiven this duty because she's the best writer, and she won't be at thememorial service.) Should she address the people by their firstnames, or by the honorific and their last name (Mr. Smith) or by thefirst and last name (Paul Smith) or as Mr. Paul Smith? She's made upsome note paper with a drawing of the iris that was named for my momon it, and I trust that's OK and that she doesn't have to usestore-bought thank you cards. grandma Rosalie
From: "Jeff"
Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2006 00:47:24 GMT
"Rosalie B." wrote in message news:gco2521s8a5mj85uqsdj5qibl308fmos49@4ax.com...>> I want to thank all those people who expressed sympathy on the loss of> my mom. Some of them are buried in the sleep thread, and because> people often munge their addresses, I don't think I can thank them> individually. I am sorry to hear about your mom. I did not know she passed until now. > But my question is - if a person writes an email to me, is it> appropriate to respond in an email? It would seem logical to me that> it would be especially as I might not know their snail mail address.>> If I person writes me a sympathy card, then I'm assuming that I need> to write a thank you note back by snail mail also, even if I know> their email address? I don't think it is neccessary thank everyone who sent a sympathy card. I think where I grew up, usually you just thanked the people sent Mass cards, sent donations to organizations, sent flowers or food, or were particularly kind. While my mother was ill before she died, some of her friends sent her a magazine, flowers, or another gift every month. I know it meant a lot her. So I sent each of them a nice thank you card. However, in no way am I saying that you shouldn't send thank you notes for sympathy cards. I think it is a lovely gesture and a wonderful way to remember your mom, as well. If someone sends you an email sympathy note, it is entirely appropriate to send them an email thank you. However, if someone sent one through snail mail or sends something else (see the list above), then, you should send them a snail-mail thank you now. About.com (http://experts.about.com/q/Social-Etiquette-Good-2570/Sympathy-Thank-Cards.htm) agrees with me about not needing to send thank you notes for sympathy cards. They say you get a pass on sympathy cards. A pass, to me, means you don't have to do it. It doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. Jeff > Just asking for confirmation here.>> And the last question - my dd#3 is writing the thank you notes for the> donations to the charity of my mom's choice (the American Iris> Society), and she does not know the people personally. (She's been> given this duty because she's the best writer, and she won't be at the> memorial service.) Should she address the people by their first> names, or by the honorific and their last name (Mr. Smith) or by the> first and last name (Paul Smith) or as Mr. Paul Smith? She's made up> some note paper with a drawing of the iris that was named for my mom> on it, and I trust that's OK and that she doesn't have to use> store-bought thank you cards.>> grandma Rosalie
From: Ericka Kammerer
Date: Thu, 27 Apr 2006 21:06:00 -0400
Rosalie B. wrote:> I want to thank all those people who expressed sympathy on the loss of> my mom. Some of them are buried in the sleep thread, and because> people often munge their addresses, I don't think I can thank them> individually.> > But my question is - if a person writes an email to me, is it> appropriate to respond in an email? It would seem logical to me that> it would be especially as I might not know their snail mail address. Yes, I think responding in kind is appropriate.While email is typically informal enough that some folkswouldn't think it appropriate for condolences, I ratherdoubt such people would have contacted you that way inthe first place ;-) > If I person writes me a sympathy card, then I'm assuming that I need> to write a thank you note back by snail mail also, even if I know> their email address? Yes, I think that would be safest. Some mightnot mind the email acknowledgment, but it's skating onthe edge of propriety so I'd go with the snail mail.It is, by the way, perfectly acceptable for someoneelse to write those thank yous for you. When my grandmotherdied, I wrote all the acknowledgments because it was oneof the few things I *could* do to ease the situation abit for my mother. So, if you've got someone askingwhat they can do to help, this is one of the things theycould do if you'd prefer not to do it. > And the last question - my dd#3 is writing the thank you notes for the> donations to the charity of my mom's choice (the American Iris> Society), and she does not know the people personally. (She's been> given this duty because she's the best writer, and she won't be at the> memorial service.) Should she address the people by their first> names, or by the honorific and their last name (Mr. Smith) or by the> first and last name (Paul Smith) or as Mr. Paul Smith? She's made up> some note paper with a drawing of the iris that was named for my mom> on it, and I trust that's OK and that she doesn't have to use> store-bought thank you cards. Absolutely there is no need to use store boughtcards. If you want to be strictly proper, the thing todo is use plain black-bordered stationery. However, thepersonally designed cards that are meaningful to you allsound like an absolutely lovely solution. As far as the means of address, if it were meI would go with Mr. Smith. The other forms are morebusiness like, and this is a social occasion. It'sjust that she doesn't know them well enough toaddress them familiarly by their first names alone.I'm sure if she *did* know them, she'd shortly be ona first name basis with them, but since she doesn'tit's appropriate to go with title and last name. Best wishes,Ericka
From: dragonlady
Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2006 01:30:34 GMT
In article , Rosalie B. wrote: > I want to thank all those people who expressed sympathy on the loss of> my mom. Some of them are buried in the sleep thread, and because> people often munge their addresses, I don't think I can thank them> individually.> > But my question is - if a person writes an email to me, is it> appropriate to respond in an email? It would seem logical to me that> it would be especially as I might not know their snail mail address. According to Miss Manners, yes -- it is appropriate to respond in kind. > > If I person writes me a sympathy card, then I'm assuming that I need> to write a thank you note back by snail mail also, even if I know> their email address? Generally, yes. > > Just asking for confirmation here.> > And the last question - my dd#3 is writing the thank you notes for the> donations to the charity of my mom's choice (the American Iris> Society), and she does not know the people personally. (She's been> given this duty because she's the best writer, and she won't be at the> memorial service.) Should she address the people by their first> names, or by the honorific and their last name (Mr. Smith) or by the> first and last name (Paul Smith) or as Mr. Paul Smith? She's made up> some note paper with a drawing of the iris that was named for my mom> on it, and I trust that's OK and that she doesn't have to use> store-bought thank you cards. Actually, store-bought thank you cards are LESS "proper" than what your daughter is doing. Somehow, we've gotten this weird notion that store-bought cards are preferable to personal writing paper, and that's just wrong -- store bought cards are a poor second best. I really like the notion that your daughter has a hand drawn flower that was named for your Mom on the cards -- that's very cool. According to Miss Manners, honorific and last name is what is proper for someone you don't know. (Honorifc and first and last name on the outside of the envelope, just honrific and last name for the salutation line.) However, I tend to use the Quaker tradition of first and last name, with no honorific (Quaker's don't use titles of any sort) -- it's less aggrevating than trying to figure out which women want to be "Ms.", "Miss", "Mrs. His-first-name-Last Name", or "Mrs. Her-first-name-LastName" . So far, no one has complained.-- Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care
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