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opinion needed
From: "tmdl20"
Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2006 11:11:57 -0400
Hey fellow parents! I would like some other parents opinion about an issue before I take it up with my husband. We have a very-soon-to-be one year old son. When he's alone with me, everythin is just fine. We play together, but when I need to get something done or just want to sit back for a minute, it's no big deal to DS and he goes about playing independently. My husband, on the other hand, constantly picks DS up at any little whimper... always has. My husband has difficulty getting anything done when he's alone with my son. Anytime we're all together, my husband HAS TO hand DS off to me so he can get things done, yet I'm able to get the same things done without having to rely on DH. Lately, this has even become a problem as DS cries the whole time that I have him when DH is home now. It's so frustrating! The problem is that I'm worried that my son is/will become spoiled and learn that crying gets him attention. He's so different when DH is around. It's now getting to the point that he's crying to be held by his Dad even when I'm home. I cannot hold him for long as he's 27lbs, so I can't even compete with Dad on this even if I wanted to... which I don't. I've briefly mentioned this to my DH, but he plays it off as "I can't just let him cry... he just wants to be held." I personally think that my husband needs to not pick him up all the time and let him become more independent. Like I said, when he's with me, he's happy as can be whether I'm playing with him or doing dishes. The behavioour I'm seeing is frustating me! BTW... both my husband and I work and spend an equal amount of time with him, so it's not about missing him more or anything. Am I justified in thinking that my husband needs to unwrap himself from DS's little finger just a bit? Thanks for your opionions. Tina
From: "Jeff"
Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2006 16:25:48 GMT
"tmdl20" wrote in message news:clL4g.35184$Hk1.7137@read1.cgocable.net...> Hey fellow parents!>> I would like some other parents opinion about an issue before I take it up > with my husband.>> We have a very-soon-to-be one year old son. When he's alone with me, > everythin is just fine. We play together, but when I need to get something > done or just want to sit back for a minute, it's no big deal to DS and he > goes about playing independently.>> My husband, on the other hand, constantly picks DS up at any little > whimper... always has. My husband has difficulty getting anything done > when he's alone with my son. Anytime we're all together, my husband HAS TO > hand DS off to me so he can get things done, yet I'm able to get the same > things done without having to rely on DH. Lately, this has even become a > problem as DS cries the whole time that I have him when DH is home now. > It's so frustrating!>> The problem is that I'm worried that my son is/will become spoiled and > learn that crying gets him attention. I think that you need to use the present tense here. Your son *is* spoiled and *has* learned that crying gets him attention. > He's so different when DH is around. It's now getting to the point that > he's crying to be held by his Dad even when I'm home. DH trained DS perfectly to cry when DS wants attention. The only way out of this situation is for DH to train DS that DS will amuse himself when DH needs to get something done. There will be a lot of crying, upset feelings, etc. But DH will get over it. So will DS. > I cannot hold him for long as he's 27lbs, so I can't even compete with Dad > on this even if I wanted to... which I don't. Go to the gym. ;-) > I've briefly mentioned this to my DH, but he plays it off as "I can't just > let him cry... he just wants to be held." I personally think that my > husband needs to not pick him up all the time and let him become more > independent. The question is not what does DS want. It is what does DS need? The answer is the ability to play by himself. > Like I said, when he's with me, he's happy as can be whether I'm playing > with him or doing dishes. The behavioour I'm seeing is frustating me!>> BTW... both my husband and I work and spend an equal amount of time with > him, so it's not about missing him more or anything.>> Am I justified in thinking that my husband needs to unwrap himself from > DS's little finger just a bit? No, he needs to unwrap his himself from DS little finger a lot. Jeff > Thanks for your opionions.>> Tina>
From: Irrational Number
Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2006 18:25:00 GMT
tmdl20 wrote:> > My husband, on the other hand, constantly picks DS up at any little > whimper... always has. My husband has difficulty getting anything done when > he's alone with my son. Anytime we're all together, my husband HAS TO hand > DS off to me so he can get things done, yet I'm able to get the same things > done without having to rely on DH. My gut reaction is: don't worry about it. Letyour son be as he is and let your husband dealwith it as he does. It will resolve itself intime. Really and truly. I bet your husband has less time to spend withthe baby, right? He works, comes home, has maybeone hour before baby falls asleep. In the mornings,he probably sees baby for half an hour..? Onweekends, he is torn between doing stuff aroundthe house and playing with baby. Well, don't worry about it. One day, your husbandwill have to get the new printer installed and hewill just have to let baby fuss about a littlebit. Or, you will have a weekly get-togetherwith a reading group and it will not be so"special" anymore for DH to take care of baby,so he will figure out his rhythm. Just LET DH BE. Your son will not be spoiled.At almost one year old, he still needs lots ofholding and cuddling and let DH do it. Also,there is a good period of time from about 9 monthsto 18 months where children goes through lots ofseparation anxiety, so your son may be cryingabout that, whether DH was ever always holdinghim or not. My experience... Similar kind of thing. DH wasgreat with Pillbug, but nothing got done aroundthe house. The theatre group asked me to do ashow, which meant rehearsals every weeknight fora couple of months. Since DH was used to takingcare of Pillbug, it worked out great. I got todo my show, he took care of Pillbug. Yes, Istill had to clean up when I got home, but it'snot a big deal. We all got what we wanted. -- Anita --
From: "toypup"
Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2006 21:00:58 GMT
"tmdl20" wrote in message news:clL4g.35184$Hk1.7137@read1.cgocable.net...> The problem is that I'm worried that my son is/will become spoiled and > learn that crying gets him attention. He's so different when DH is around. > It's now getting to the point that he's crying to be held by his Dad even > when I'm home. I cannot hold him for long as he's 27lbs, so I can't even > compete with Dad on this even if I wanted to... which I don't.>> I've briefly mentioned this to my DH, but he plays it off as "I can't just > let him cry... he just wants to be held." I personally think that my > husband needs to not pick him up all the time and let him become more > independent. Like I said, when he's with me, he's happy as can be whether > I'm playing with him or doing dishes. The behavioour I'm seeing is > frustating me! I think you should let it alone. Your DH and DS will work it out. They will have a different relationship from yours. That's just how it is. If your DH becomes annoyed with the behavior, he will put a stop to it or find a way to work it out. Meanwhile, let it be.
From: "Jeff"
Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2006 21:11:14 GMT
"toypup" wrote in message news:euQ4g.70977$H71.62611@newssvr13.news.prodigy.com...>> "tmdl20" wrote in message > news:clL4g.35184$Hk1.7137@read1.cgocable.net...>> The problem is that I'm worried that my son is/will become spoiled and >> learn that crying gets him attention. He's so different when DH is >> around. It's now getting to the point that he's crying to be held by his >> Dad even when I'm home. I cannot hold him for long as he's 27lbs, so I >> can't even compete with Dad on this even if I wanted to... which I don't.>>>> I've briefly mentioned this to my DH, but he plays it off as "I can't >> just let him cry... he just wants to be held." I personally think that my >> husband needs to not pick him up all the time and let him become more >> independent. Like I said, when he's with me, he's happy as can be whether >> I'm playing with him or doing dishes. The behavioour I'm seeing is >> frustating me!>> I think you should let it alone. Your DH and DS will work it out. They > will have a different relationship from yours. That's just how it is. If > your DH becomes annoyed with the behavior, he will put a stop to it or > find a way to work it out. Meanwhile, let it be. I think toypup and irrational number are correct. let it be. They will work it out. As DS and DH get older (and wiser), their relationship will change. They will figure it out. Besides, I doubt when DS is 17, he will want DH to pick him up and hug him all that much. ;-) Jeff
From: an588@FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Catherine Woodgold)
Date: 30 Apr 2006 00:19:10 GMT
He has learned that crying gets him attention, but heis not spoiled: crying is supposed to get babies attention.It's a normal stage in human development; it's calledcommunication. Babies bond with parents. Sometimes a baby bondswith one parent more strongly -- usually the mother, butit can be the father. This is also a normal stage inhuman development. Interfering with it (for example,moving to a foster home) can make it more difficult for thechild to learn to have normal human relationships as anadult. I believe it's good and healthy for the babyto spend lots of time with the parent the baby hasbonded with. Getting the housework done is a practical problem.You'll have to work out some sort of routine. Theroutine will probably change as baby goes throughmore stages. You could each have some "alone time" while theother parent takes the baby out. Since you getyour share of the housework done while baby is withyou, you could use your "alone time" to phone a friendor something. Maybe DH will need a larger shareof "alone time", therefore, at least temporarily,so he has a chance to do personal stuff as wellas getting his share of the housework done --or you could do more of the housework. The way I see it, DH is filling an importantemotional need by being the bonded parent whohas to show a lot of affection for the child.And it takes up a lot of his time and energy.In most cases it's the mother in this role, andthen IMO the father should help her get a break bydoing more than half the housework or something.Same thing if it's the father who's more indemand. Could DH use a sling or a backpack to carry babyaround while doing the housework? I used to carry my kids around while doing housework.So did my mother. I think it's an excellent thingto do.
From: "R&T"
Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2006 21:28:25 -0400
Thank you to all those who replied. I appreciate the input. It's helped me to see that I should just let it go. And, yes, I'm certain he won't be crying to be in his Dad's arms when he's 17... that one made me laugh! lol I know I'm quite lucky to have a DH who devotes as much care and attention to our son. He truly is a great father. Perhaps because I was the one who spent 10 months home with DS, maybe I learned to balance attention to DS and other things better than DH. Now that I'm back to work, my husband and I both spend equal time with DS and I guess he's just developing a different type of need/connection/relationship with each one of us. It sounds normal when put that way. Thanks for all the feedback. I read through this newgroup's posts daily and am thankful to have other parents out there who can lend opinions, support, and ideas when needed. Take care,Tina "tmdl20" wrote in message news:clL4g.35184$Hk1.7137@read1.cgocable.net...> Hey fellow parents!>> I would like some other parents opinion about an issue before I take it up > with my husband.>> We have a very-soon-to-be one year old son. When he's alone with me, > everythin is just fine. We play together, but when I need to get something > done or just want to sit back for a minute, it's no big deal to DS and he > goes about playing independently.>> My husband, on the other hand, constantly picks DS up at any little > whimper... always has. My husband has difficulty getting anything done > when he's alone with my son. Anytime we're all together, my husband HAS TO > hand DS off to me so he can get things done, yet I'm able to get the same > things done without having to rely on DH. Lately, this has even become a > problem as DS cries the whole time that I have him when DH is home now. > It's so frustrating!>> The problem is that I'm worried that my son is/will become spoiled and > learn that crying gets him attention. He's so different when DH is around. > It's now getting to the point that he's crying to be held by his Dad even > when I'm home. I cannot hold him for long as he's 27lbs, so I can't even > compete with Dad on this even if I wanted to... which I don't.>> I've briefly mentioned this to my DH, but he plays it off as "I can't just > let him cry... he just wants to be held." I personally think that my > husband needs to not pick him up all the time and let him become more > independent. Like I said, when he's with me, he's happy as can be whether > I'm playing with him or doing dishes. The behavioour I'm seeing is > frustating me!>> BTW... both my husband and I work and spend an equal amount of time with > him, so it's not about missing him more or anything.>> Am I justified in thinking that my husband needs to unwrap himself from > DS's little finger just a bit?>> Thanks for your opionions.>> Tina>
From: "R&T"
Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2006 21:29:22 -0400
PS: I posted from my computer and then replied on DH's. Sorry for the confusion on the name change. "R&T" wrote in message news:opU4g.35206$Hk1.12065@read1.cgocable.net...> Thank you to all those who replied. I appreciate the input. It's helped me > to see that I should just let it go. And, yes, I'm certain he won't be > crying to be in his Dad's arms when he's 17... that one made me laugh! lol > I know I'm quite lucky to have a DH who devotes as much care and attention > to our son. He truly is a great father. Perhaps because I was the one who > spent 10 months home with DS, maybe I learned to balance attention to DS > and other things better than DH. Now that I'm back to work, my husband and > I both spend equal time with DS and I guess he's just developing a > different type of need/connection/relationship with each one of us. It > sounds normal when put that way.>> Thanks for all the feedback. I read through this newgroup's posts daily > and am thankful to have other parents out there who can lend opinions, > support, and ideas when needed.>> Take care,> Tina>>>>> "tmdl20" wrote in message > news:clL4g.35184$Hk1.7137@read1.cgocable.net...>> Hey fellow parents!>>>> I would like some other parents opinion about an issue before I take it >> up with my husband.>>>> We have a very-soon-to-be one year old son. When he's alone with me, >> everythin is just fine. We play together, but when I need to get >> something done or just want to sit back for a minute, it's no big deal to >> DS and he goes about playing independently.>>>> My husband, on the other hand, constantly picks DS up at any little >> whimper... always has. My husband has difficulty getting anything done >> when he's alone with my son. Anytime we're all together, my husband HAS >> TO hand DS off to me so he can get things done, yet I'm able to get the >> same things done without having to rely on DH. Lately, this has even >> become a problem as DS cries the whole time that I have him when DH is >> home now. It's so frustrating!>>>> The problem is that I'm worried that my son is/will become spoiled and >> learn that crying gets him attention. He's so different when DH is >> around. It's now getting to the point that he's crying to be held by his >> Dad even when I'm home. I cannot hold him for long as he's 27lbs, so I >> can't even compete with Dad on this even if I wanted to... which I don't.>>>> I've briefly mentioned this to my DH, but he plays it off as "I can't >> just let him cry... he just wants to be held." I personally think that my >> husband needs to not pick him up all the time and let him become more >> independent. Like I said, when he's with me, he's happy as can be whether >> I'm playing with him or doing dishes. The behavioour I'm seeing is >> frustating me!>>>> BTW... both my husband and I work and spend an equal amount of time with >> him, so it's not about missing him more or anything.>>>> Am I justified in thinking that my husband needs to unwrap himself from >> DS's little finger just a bit?>>>> Thanks for your opionions.>>>> Tina>>>>
From: "stasya"
Date: 30 Apr 2006 08:59:54 -0700
tmdl20 wrote:> Hey fellow parents!>> I would like some other parents opinion about an issue before I take it up> with my husband.>> My husband, on the other hand, constantly picks DS up at any little> whimper... always has. My husband has difficulty getting anything done when> he's alone with my son. Anytime we're all together, my husband HAS TO hand> DS off to me so he can get things done, yet I'm able to get the same things> done without having to rely on DH.> Hey I can totally relate to this. My dh likes to hold the baby, spendsome time with our kids, but his attention span really only lasts forabout ten minutes. So I'll be in the middle of something, and he'llsay, "Here, take this kid". I'm like, so put him/her down. I don'treally NEED to hold him/her, just get the child involved withsomething, then walk away. Then if he won't, I tend to get exasperatedand say something along the lines of "What the heck do you think *I* dowhen I have work to do? Snap my fingers and the kids go to magicalpixie babysitterland? So deal with it." GGrrr. Stasya
From: Banty
Date: 30 Apr 2006 09:03:51 -0700
In article , tmdl20 says...>>Hey fellow parents!>>I would like some other parents opinion about an issue before I take it up >with my husband.>>We have a very-soon-to-be one year old son. When he's alone with me, >everythin is just fine. We play together, but when I need to get something >done or just want to sit back for a minute, it's no big deal to DS and he >goes about playing independently.>>My husband, on the other hand, constantly picks DS up at any little >whimper... always has. My husband has difficulty getting anything done when >he's alone with my son. Anytime we're all together, my husband HAS TO hand >DS off to me so he can get things done, yet I'm able to get the same things >done without having to rely on DH. Lately, this has even become a problem as >DS cries the whole time that I have him when DH is home now. It's so >frustrating! Some of it may be that he has a different style, some of it may be that he doesdifferent kinds of things around the house (if he does). For example, as asingle mother from the beginning, I found that could do light housework withbaby on hip or on the floor, but for certain tasks, especially outside taskslike trimming hedges and inside tasks with tools down on the floor, I needed acrawling or toddling-age baby to be napping. Those may be the kind of tasksyour husband tends to be the one doing. Just something to consider. Banty --
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