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ate my thighs..."

From: "shinypenny"
Date: 3 Apr 2005 15:48:06 -0700

How do you respond?

Took DD12 and DD10 bathing suit shopping today. Wanted to get thempractical speedo's that could hold up to chlorine. DD12 insisted ontrying on the most adorable bikini. She puts it on, she looksabsolutely fabulous (too fabulous for a 12 year old, ahem).

Then she grimaces, pinches her thighs, and says, "But, Ihaaaaaaaaatttttttttttteeeeeeeeee my thighs!!!!!!!!!!"

She has *beautiful* thighs! There's not a woman I know who wouldn't*kill* for her thighs!

So, what do you do? How do you respond? How do you combat the prevalent"I hate my body" attitude from creeping into your young preteen? I havenoticed this not just with my DD's but also with their friends, asyoung as 10 years old, and already unhappy with their looks, for noreason at all. I have spent a lot of time in the last few monthstelling preteens there is nothing wrong with theirnose/eyes/hair/butt/body/etc. It's so sad.

What is a mom to do?

jen

From: toto
Date: Sun, 03 Apr 2005 18:38:32 -0500

On 3 Apr 2005 15:48:06 -0700, "shinypenny" wrote:

>So, what do you do? How do you respond? How do you combat the prevalent>"I hate my body" attitude from creeping into your young preteen? I have>noticed this not just with my DD's but also with their friends, as>young as 10 years old, and already unhappy with their looks, for no>reason at all. I have spent a lot of time in the last few months>telling preteens there is nothing wrong with their>nose/eyes/hair/butt/body/etc. It's so sad.>>What is a mom to do?

This is a very difficult problem nowadays. The messages girls(and boys) are getting from media and society are so harmful.

You might want to use videos or books and discuss the problemof beauty in various ways. I still think the best Twilight Zoneepisode ever is *In the Eye of the Beholder* and I think you maybe able to get that on video or dvd.

You may want to check out what Dominique Dawes is doinghttp://preteenagerstoday.com/resources/articles/herself.htm

I like what this website says. Be proactive instead of talkingabout what the kids say and the messages they are getting.

http://www.raisingkids.co.uk/9_13/pre_htp15.asp

Praising children by talking about what they ARE encourages them to look to other people to give them their sense of self worth.

Focusing on what they have DONE develops their own inner standards and convictions. ('I'm a girl who can read instructions and build things.' as opposed to 'My mother says I'm very clever'.)

Describe the good things you seeSay your child decides to try making herself a skirt, getting some things right (being creative, self-reliant, saving money) and a couple of things wrong (mis-matching the pattern). For positive praise, focus on the accomplishments, and ignore the mistakes e.g. 'You've designed that really well, and it's a great fabric. Well done for managing that all on your own.'

Speak about what they DO, not what they AREPsychologists believe that praise which makes judgments about a child can sometimes backfire. When you say things like 'You're always so kind', your child may feel concerned that he doesn't deserve this kind of praise. He knows that sometimes he is not kind and often he is downright selfish. He may be troubled by the thought that if you really knew him, you would be disappointed in him.

On the other hand, noticing what he does and praising specific achievements is easy to accept. Don't tell your child how good/kind/clever he is: start noticing the things he is good at, his unique skills and abilities. If he builds a bookshelf following complicated instructions, don't tell him he is 'clever', say that following complicated instructions must have been difficult and to do it without asking for help was an achievement. He knows he did well and recognises that your praise has been earned and not automatically given.

Finally... 4 key points

* Be Positive... pay attention to good behaviour not bad. * Be Specific... describe what you appreciate. * Praise What They Do... not what they are. * Encourage your children to praise siblings and friends.

--Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the worldthat can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits

From: dragonlady
Date: Mon, 04 Apr 2005 20:11:04 GMT

In article , "shinypenny" wrote:

> How do you respond?> > Took DD12 and DD10 bathing suit shopping today. Wanted to get them> practical speedo's that could hold up to chlorine. DD12 insisted on> trying on the most adorable bikini. She puts it on, she looks> absolutely fabulous (too fabulous for a 12 year old, ahem).> > Then she grimaces, pinches her thighs, and says, "But, I> haaaaaaaaatttttttttttteeeeeeeeee my thighs!!!!!!!!!!"> > She has *beautiful* thighs! There's not a woman I know who wouldn't> *kill* for her thighs!> > So, what do you do? How do you respond? How do you combat the prevalent> "I hate my body" attitude from creeping into your young preteen? I have> noticed this not just with my DD's but also with their friends, as> young as 10 years old, and already unhappy with their looks, for no> reason at all. I have spent a lot of time in the last few months> telling preteens there is nothing wrong with their> nose/eyes/hair/butt/body/etc. It's so sad.> > What is a mom to do?> > > jen>

This is a common problem. It's one of the reason our church's sexuality curriculum includes quite a lot on body image, and media portrayals of bodys and sexuality.

I started dealing with this fairly aggressively when my kids were quite young, by pointing out, for example, that the reason that Barbie was hard to put clothes on was that she wasn't shaped like a real woman would be shaped. While watching TV or other media, it was common for DH and I to point out unrealistic images, to talk about the fact that many dancers have to develop eating disorders in order to stay thin enough -- we tried to keep this country's obsession with body type, and the unrealistic standards, something that my kids (not just the girls) were aware of.

When I am around kids this age who start the "I hate my [fill in the blank]" stuff, I acknowledge their feelings, but point out that it's common for people their age to dislike parts of their bodies. I may also talk about the unrealistic standards set by underweight models that make it difficult for girls, especially, to be realistic about their own appearance, and that makes appearance seem much more important than it should be.

I do NOT take the opportunity to tell them that they're beautiful, or that most women would kill for their thighs, or whatever: it's my opinion that that sort of thing validates the obsession with appearance, and focuses on the wrong thing -- I never wanted to get into a discussion about whether or not that particular girl was beautiful or whatever, but rather what is going on in our culture that makes teens dislike their bodies. Besides -- what if her thighs WERE shaped badly for a bikini, or she was overweight? Beauty is fleeting -- what if something happens and she DOES develop an appearance that is generally considered not OK? I always wanted to be in a position of saying it didn't matter.-- Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care