|
|
lationship with my 14-year-old
From: "Anne"
Date: 4 Apr 2005 12:48:15 -0700
I'm mom of 2 great kids, a 14-year-old boy and a 17-year-old girl. I'mdivorced, live with my kids and have a boy friend.My boy loves math and loves dealing with Excel spreadsheets. He studiesa lot, get excellent grades and is really good at Excel. I'm taking acourse and frequently have to deal with Statistics. My boy helps mewith Excel, using formulas and drawing charts. He does that withextraordinary good will, and last month he spent a whole week end longhelping me. He really enjoys helping me and does a great job, butsometimes he's a bit bossy, since I'm not used to Excel. On a Saturday, about a month ago, he helped me again. I wanted to use achart type and he said I should use another. I insisted and he justsaid the chart type I wanted to draw wouldn't be good for my purposes.I was a bit angry that day, I'd had an argument with my bf. I didntlike my boys's attitude and told him to use my chart type. He insistedit wasn't good, I got mad at him, he talked back. Since I'm his mom, Itold him to shut up and draw a graph the type I wanted. He did, but hadan attitude and said I'd been ridiculous and was acting like a spoiledlittle brat. After this, I lost my temper and ended up grounding theboy for the rest of the day. He felt like a victim of a big injustice,even cried and got really hurt. Later on, I must admit, I learned hewas right about what chart type I should use.After that fuss, he didn't want to help me anymore and even avoidedtalking to me. Some days later I asked for his help, he said he had togo to a friend's house for homework. I know he lied, he just didnt wantto help me. I didn't like this, he never lies to me. I talked to mydaughter and my bf and both said I had messed up and should apologizeto him and forget about his lie. My daughter got mad at me, was evensarcastic, and said "Congratulations! You should write a book on howto destroy good parents/teens relationships and turn nice and helpfulboys into resentful brats" (I didn't like this somewhat disrespectfulremark, but let it pass). I agreed I messed up and some days later I apologized to my son. Idecided to forget he had lied to me and didn't remind him he had calledme a spoiled brat. It was not that easy, the boy was really hurt andcouldn't understand why she had been punished just for doing his bestto help me. I ended up crying, he cried too, but after a big hug and alot of kisses he said "Thats OK, let's forget about this thing" and Ieven had him say "Mom, I love you".Now, he's been talking to me normally, still kisses me before going toschool as if nothing had happened. He's been helping me again, stilldoes his best, but unfortunately, not with the same good will, not withthe same love he used to do it before. It's as though helping me is nowa duty to him, and not something he does with pleasure, like he used todo before. I'd like to fix our relationship completely, but couldn't doit so far. Hope this is just a phase. Maybe someone can give me asuggestion. Thank you Anne
From: Stara Baba
Date: Mon, 04 Apr 2005 17:31:50 -0500
In article , "Anne" wrote: > I'm mom of 2 great kids, a 14-year-old boy and a 17-year-old girl. I'm> divorced, live with my kids and have a boy friend.> My boy loves math and loves dealing with Excel spreadsheets. He studies> a lot, get excellent grades and is really good at Excel. I'm taking a> course and frequently have to deal with Statistics. My boy helps me> with Excel, using formulas and drawing charts. He does that with> extraordinary good will, and last month he spent a whole week end long> helping me. He really enjoys helping me and does a great job, but> sometimes he's a bit bossy, since I'm not used to Excel.> > On a Saturday, about a month ago, he helped me again. I wanted to use a> chart type and he said I should use another. I insisted and he just> said the chart type I wanted to draw wouldn't be good for my purposes.> I was a bit angry that day, I'd had an argument with my bf. I didnt> like my boys's attitude and told him to use my chart type. He insisted> it wasn't good, I got mad at him, he talked back. Since I'm his mom, I> told him to shut up and draw a graph the type I wanted. He did, but had> an attitude and said I'd been ridiculous and was acting like a spoiled> little brat. After this, I lost my temper and ended up grounding the> boy for the rest of the day. He felt like a victim of a big injustice,> even cried and got really hurt. Later on, I must admit, I learned he> was right about what chart type I should use.> After that fuss, he didn't want to help me anymore and even avoided> talking to me. Some days later I asked for his help, he said he had to> go to a friend's house for homework. I know he lied, he just didnt want> to help me. I didn't like this, he never lies to me. I talked to my> daughter and my bf and both said I had messed up and should apologize> to him and forget about his lie. My daughter got mad at me, was even> sarcastic, and said "Congratulations! You should write a book on how> to destroy good parents/teens relationships and turn nice and helpful> boys into resentful brats" (I didn't like this somewhat disrespectful> remark, but let it pass).> > I agreed I messed up and some days later I apologized to my son. I> decided to forget he had lied to me and didn't remind him he had called> me a spoiled brat. It was not that easy, the boy was really hurt and> couldn't understand why she had been punished just for doing his best> to help me. I ended up crying, he cried too, but after a big hug and a> lot of kisses he said "Thats OK, let's forget about this thing" and I> even had him say "Mom, I love you".> Now, he's been talking to me normally, still kisses me before going to> school as if nothing had happened. He's been helping me again, still> does his best, but unfortunately, not with the same good will, not with> the same love he used to do it before. It's as though helping me is now> a duty to him, and not something he does with pleasure, like he used to> do before. I'd like to fix our relationship completely, but couldn't do> it so far. Hope this is just a phase. Maybe someone can give me a> suggestion.> > Thank you > Anne Give it time and tell him he WAS right in calling you a spoiled brat and you regret your attitude and that you grounded him; and you can't take it back even though you wish you could. Grovel a little. Ask him to forgive you for your behavior. The words, "I was wrong and am asking you to forgive me" can go a long way in healing whatever hurts.And give it time. JMO.-- -Barb, The Nylons added 4-3-05. "I read recipes the way I read science fiction: I get to the end and say,'Well, that's not going to happen.'" - Comedian Rita Rudner, performance at New York, New York, January 10, 2005.
From: an588@FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Catherine Woodgold)
Date: 5 Apr 2005 00:39:07 GMT
I think it would help to start treating him with allthe respect you would treat an adult with. Would youground your boyfriend if he did something you didn'tlike, or would you command him to make a graph for you?You can look at how you talk to your boy and see if there'sany parental bossiness still happening, and trainyourself to just treat him with respect. You canimagine he's an adult guest in the house and useall the polite language and graciousness you would use. It mightbe a good idea to not ask him to help you with Excelfor a while, because it stirs up bad memories,but to find something else you like to do together.Good luck! You can't change the past, but timecan help to heal. Young children may put up with being told whatto do, but teenagers feel instincts that tell themthey deserve to be treated as adults. --CathyA *much* better world is possible.
From: dragonlady
Date: Tue, 05 Apr 2005 00:50:15 GMT
In article , "Anne" wrote: > It's as though helping me is now> a duty to him, and not something he does with pleasure, like he used to> do before. I'd like to fix our relationship completely, but couldn't do> it so far. Hope this is just a phase. Maybe someone can give me a> suggestion. Let's see... He WAS helping you, the best way he knew how -- and it turns out that he was right -- and the thanks he got for it was to get grounded. Do you really wonder why he doesn't act like this is something to enjoy doing? Why would he trust that NEXT time he knows more than you do (which he obviously does or he wouldn't be tutoring you) you won't again get insistant that you do it YOUR way, and, if he tries to show you the right way, end up getting grounded again? I know I wouldn't enjoy tutoring someone who insisted I was wrong, and who had the power to punish me when I didn't back down from what I knew was right. Learning to tutor other people is a skill that is not always easy to acquire. I know my son, who is very good in math, had to work at not treating the people he was tutoring as though they were idiots when it didn't come quickly or easily to them. It wasn't deliberate -- he just acted kind of like a know-it-all because it WAS so easy for him, and so, from his point of view, he DID "know it all". (He wasn't really awful -- he just had to work at it.) Learning to tutor someone who is your superior is even harder. I had to tutor my Dad in algebra when I was in high school, and he was studying to become an electrician. I remember the experience rather fondly. But I also remember that, for the time that I was tutoring him, he didn't act like my father -- he acted like my pupil. If he had STARTED to act like my father, and punished me because he didn't like the way I was teaching him, I suspect I'd have walked off and told him to find another tutor. You complain in your post about BOTH kids showing you a Bad Attitude, but I don't see anythin that indicates that you treat them with deep respect, which is the best way to GET respect.-- Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care
From: Barbara Bomberger
Date: Tue, 05 Apr 2005 21:39:41 +0200
On Tue, 05 Apr 2005 00:50:15 GMT, dragonlady wrote: I agree one hundred percent with what is below. >In article ,> "Anne" wrote:>>> It's as though helping me is now>> a duty to him, and not something he does with pleasure, like he used to>> do before. I'd like to fix our relationship completely, but couldn't do>> it so far. Hope this is just a phase. Maybe someone can give me a>> suggestion.>>Let's see...>>He WAS helping you, the best way he knew how -- and it turns out that he >was right -- and the thanks he got for it was to get grounded. Do you >really wonder why he doesn't act like this is something to enjoy doing? >Why would he trust that NEXT time he knows more than you do (which he >obviously does or he wouldn't be tutoring you) you won't again get >insistant that you do it YOUR way, and, if he tries to show you the >right way, end up getting grounded again?>>I know I wouldn't enjoy tutoring someone who insisted I was wrong, and >who had the power to punish me when I didn't back down from what I knew >was right.>>Learning to tutor other people is a skill that is not always easy to >acquire. I know my son, who is very good in math, had to work at not >treating the people he was tutoring as though they were idiots when it >didn't come quickly or easily to them. It wasn't deliberate -- he just >acted kind of like a know-it-all because it WAS so easy for him, and so, >from his point of view, he DID "know it all". (He wasn't really awful >-- he just had to work at it.) Learning to tutor someone who is your >superior is even harder. >>I had to tutor my Dad in algebra when I was in high school, and he was >studying to become an electrician. I remember the experience rather >fondly. But I also remember that, for the time that I was tutoring him, >he didn't act like my father -- he acted like my pupil. If he had >STARTED to act like my father, and punished me because he didn't like >the way I was teaching him, I suspect I'd have walked off and told him >to find another tutor.>>You complain in your post about BOTH kids showing you a Bad Attitude, >but I don't see anythin that indicates that you treat them with deep >respect, which is the best way to GET respect.
From: "Hierophant"
Date: 4 Apr 2005 23:11:07 -0700
If You grounded him maybe some kind of gift would help balance it out.You took something away from him now you can demonstrate the sincerityof your sorry ness by giving him something back. Think of it asjustice. Maybe this will restore your relationship. Honestly andsincerely communicate and demonstrate your knowledge that you wherewrong and that you have made the changes necessary to keep it fromhappening again. I think this will go a great way to restoring trust. Strange??? I never thought I'd see so much honest and liberal advise. Respectinga child seems to be beneath most people. It is far worse with thereligious right.
From: "Mamma Mia"
Date: Tue, 5 Apr 2005 18:58:02 +1000
man people are tough around here. someone writes that she realises she hasmade a mistake and how can she correct it, and everyone just rubs it in, andsays she is a bad person and what a stupid thing she has done. I think you are on the right path to correcting your mistake by being honestand apologetic with your son. maybe even show him this post or similar sohe understands how you feel. good luck anne "Anne" wrote in messagenews:1112644095.812310.94250@l41g2000cwc.googlegroups.com...> I'm mom of 2 great kids, a 14-year-old boy and a 17-year-old girl. I'm> divorced, live with my kids and have a boy friend.> My boy loves math and loves dealing with Excel spreadsheets. He studies> a lot, get excellent grades and is really good at Excel. I'm taking a> course and frequently have to deal with Statistics. My boy helps me> with Excel, using formulas and drawing charts. He does that with> extraordinary good will, and last month he spent a whole week end long> helping me. He really enjoys helping me and does a great job, but> sometimes he's a bit bossy, since I'm not used to Excel.>> On a Saturday, about a month ago, he helped me again. I wanted to use a> chart type and he said I should use another. I insisted and he just> said the chart type I wanted to draw wouldn't be good for my purposes.> I was a bit angry that day, I'd had an argument with my bf. I didnt> like my boys's attitude and told him to use my chart type. He insisted> it wasn't good, I got mad at him, he talked back. Since I'm his mom, I> told him to shut up and draw a graph the type I wanted. He did, but had> an attitude and said I'd been ridiculous and was acting like a spoiled> little brat. After this, I lost my temper and ended up grounding the> boy for the rest of the day. He felt like a victim of a big injustice,> even cried and got really hurt. Later on, I must admit, I learned he> was right about what chart type I should use.> After that fuss, he didn't want to help me anymore and even avoided> talking to me. Some days later I asked for his help, he said he had to> go to a friend's house for homework. I know he lied, he just didnt want> to help me. I didn't like this, he never lies to me. I talked to my> daughter and my bf and both said I had messed up and should apologize> to him and forget about his lie. My daughter got mad at me, was even> sarcastic, and said "Congratulations! You should write a book on how> to destroy good parents/teens relationships and turn nice and helpful> boys into resentful brats" (I didn't like this somewhat disrespectful> remark, but let it pass).>> I agreed I messed up and some days later I apologized to my son. I> decided to forget he had lied to me and didn't remind him he had called> me a spoiled brat. It was not that easy, the boy was really hurt and> couldn't understand why she had been punished just for doing his best> to help me. I ended up crying, he cried too, but after a big hug and a> lot of kisses he said "Thats OK, let's forget about this thing" and I> even had him say "Mom, I love you".> Now, he's been talking to me normally, still kisses me before going to> school as if nothing had happened. He's been helping me again, still> does his best, but unfortunately, not with the same good will, not with> the same love he used to do it before. It's as though helping me is now> a duty to him, and not something he does with pleasure, like he used to> do before. I'd like to fix our relationship completely, but couldn't do> it so far. Hope this is just a phase. Maybe someone can give me a> suggestion.>> Thank you> Anne>
From: an588@FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Catherine Woodgold)
Date: 5 Apr 2005 13:06:07 GMT
"Anne" (a_steiner@excite.com) writes:> I agreed I messed up and some days later I apologized to my son. I> decided to forget he had lied to me and didn't remind him he had called> me a spoiled brat. It was not that easy, the boy was really hurt and> couldn't understand why she had been punished just for doing his best> to help me. I ended up crying, he cried too, but after a big hug and a> lot of kisses he said "Thats OK, let's forget about this thing" and I> even had him say "Mom, I love you".> Now, he's been talking to me normally, still kisses me before going to> school as if nothing had happened. He's been helping me again, still> does his best, but unfortunately, not with the same good will, not with> the same love he used to do it before. It's as though helping me is now> a duty to him, and not something he does with pleasure, like he used to> do before. I'd like to fix our relationship completely, but couldn't do> it so far. Hope this is just a phase. Maybe someone can give me a> suggestion. You're doing just fine. You apologized, and he's forgiven you.You can't erase the past. It sounds as if things have healed overprobably about as much as you can expect. --CathyA *much* better world is possible.
From: "Jeff"
Date: Tue, 05 Apr 2005 14:52:39 GMT
"Catherine Woodgold" wrote in message news:d2u2fv$81g$1@theodyn.ncf.ca...>> "Anne" (a_steiner@excite.com) writes:>> I agreed I messed up and some days later I apologized to my son. I>> decided to forget he had lied to me and didn't remind him he had called>> me a spoiled brat. It was not that easy, the boy was really hurt and>> couldn't understand why she had been punished just for doing his best>> to help me. I ended up crying, he cried too, but after a big hug and a>> lot of kisses he said "Thats OK, let's forget about this thing" and I>> even had him say "Mom, I love you".>> Now, he's been talking to me normally, still kisses me before going to>> school as if nothing had happened. He's been helping me again, still>> does his best, but unfortunately, not with the same good will, not with>> the same love he used to do it before. It's as though helping me is now>> a duty to him, and not something he does with pleasure, like he used to>> do before. I'd like to fix our relationship completely, but couldn't do>> it so far. Hope this is just a phase. Maybe someone can give me a>> suggestion.>> You're doing just fine. You apologized, and he's forgiven you.> You can't erase the past. It sounds as if things have healed over> probably about as much as you can expect. He is over 10, so he already knows parents don't know anything. And he learned that adults sometimes behave more childishly than kids. I don't blame him for helping you as enthusiastically as he did before. I would get him a gift to thank him for helping you (It might be a non-violent computer game, a gift certificate to his favoriate music store or maybe treat him and his girlfriend to a movie), and not do anything else, other than to say thank you every time he helps you. I have a feeling that it will take a few weeks to months for him to regain his trust in you. Things will return to normal, except it will be a new normal, which acknowledges that he understands that you really care about him and his feelings, and you really appreciate his help and advice and that he knows more than you (you should have known htis when he was four and could work the VCR that totally confused you). in other words, you will both learned from this, and your relationship will accomadate the new knowledge and understanding. Jeff> --> Cathy> A *much* better world is possible.
|